Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Things I hate #912: Kewl Guys

The winner is part of a "dating community" called DYD, or "Double Your Dating."

No, I am not kidding. I followed the YouTube link on this episode and found a wonderful blog called "Lifestyle With BG," written by a guy from the Netherlands who describes his adventures in "closing women (http://lifewithbg.blogspot.com/)." In case my blog doesn't make you angry enough, I would like to invite you to read two or three entries from BGs blog to get your blood boiling. Here are selections from my favorite entry, with my comments in brackets [Warning: I hope you like acronyms, because apparently they are essential in order to fuck a girl]:

"FR: closed 2 HB9's (featuring Moonwalker)
The club was still a bit empty, but filled up pretty quickly. So we got our drinks and moved onto the dancefloor. Have a little fun together. Soon enough there were groups of girls dancing around us; shooting AI's. I recognize AI's by their energy. The girl(s) will do something to 'suck' your attention to her. Back in the good ol' days (before the community even, I think).. David Bouwie and I always had these situations, but usually the parties in that particular club aren't fun enough anymore to just stay in one spot all night. But last night was awesome, music-wise..... and more ;-)"

[I don't know what AI's are, nor do I understand the mechanism by which women shoot them. But apparently women also have the ability to 'suck' the AI laser fields as well. Luckily our hero BG has the ability to withstand the AI rays being sucked, as hinted by his winking emoticon].

"After about 30 minutes, Moonwalker was in the house! Him and T. hit it off well. Great! Good social vibe. We were vibing again (explained here and here). Except this time, the vibing wasn't outwards (of the group), the group was vibing. We concentrated the energy inside our group, instead of spreading it out throughout the whole club. For the first two hours anyway. This had an interesting effect. Instead of decreasing the psychological distance between your group and the groups around you, the distance stayed the same, but they all wanted to be part of the fun. Then we opened our group up... and fuckin' owned the place."

[I'd like to point out that he actually uses vibe as a transitive verb. I really didn't know real human beings actually did that without breaking out into laughter. Luckily for me, he explains the mechanism by which the vibe travels, and who is infected by the vibe. He describes this as an interesting effect. I think it's more interesting to imagine the word 'vibe' meaning STD. Go ahead, try it. Much funnier.]

"This group of three girls (group rating: 7.5) had been giving AI's for a good hour now. Moonwalker and T. were kind of discussing them, MW always points at people when he talks about them; his philosophy: "you can be secretive about it, but if you point at them, they'll become curious and they'll open you". The girls however, weren't really responding to this, so I pushed the back of his arm so that his hand would touch one of the girls. Open!"

[Okay, I'm not entirely sure what age BG is, but I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that he is probably over the age of 21. Now, so far, we know that this 21 year old and his group of friends analyze the mysterious AI laser beam rays emanating from the women - probably magical potions and elixirs known as 'perfume' or 'pheromones' - and whose tactical operations to get a girl's attention include POINTING AT GIRLS and HITTING GIRLS to get their attention. This is what they attend seminars for. These are the techniques they religiously develop and hone and formulate to break through the mysterious bizzaroworld of the female psyche. It gets better.]

"I let T., David Bouwie and Moonwalker chat the girls up, I'm in an LTR anyway. I mingled a bit, talked to some employees, met some girls who I know, got introduced to some other girls (more on this later), just made some friends. Meanwhile I notice that one of the girls in the three set was unoccupied, and her energy was dropping... fast! BG to the rescue! I warn T. that he should get to closing his HB8, and I approach the low energy girl. Opener "hi". Girl looks aloof. "I'm Bas" and hold my hand out. The girl introduces herself as well, and smiles. Bye bye bitch shield."

[I swear to sweet Moses that I am not making this up. I don't know what an LTR is (although it's pretty close to the acronym LOTR), but this LTR is worried that in the absentmindedness of Moonwalker, one of the females was nearly depleted of her AI energy laser beam levels! While T is occupied with the obviously important HB8, BG destroys the AI laser-depleted girl's 'bitch shield.' WHERE THE FUCK ARE THESE LASERS AND SHIELDS COMING FROM YOU PREPUBESCENT SHITHEAD. Fucking 'bye bye puberty.' GROW THE FUCK UP BAS YOU FUCKING JACKASS.]

"I talked to her, kept the conversation going, she said she hadn't slept in three days and was really tired now. I give T. another signal. Keep talking.. The girl actually turned out to be a cool chick, after talking to her, I considered closing her, but I didn't because I didn't get a chance to. I decided to walk around and mingle for a bit; I was getting bored. Then I ran into the girl that I hadn't seen for quite a while. I wrote about her last year in this FR. She's the girl grinding me, and I'm the one excusing my ass off in that FR."

[Please decide to close her, please please please decide to close her!]

"I decide to close that chick."

[YES! Whew, I was worried that BG's laser signal to T would be fruitless, but now that he's decided to close the girl after defeating her heat energy bitch shields, I can rest easily. What amazes me most is that he still manages to keep her in the FR. I don't know what an FR is, I think he means a front engined, rear-wheel drive car or something, as long as the car has lasers, like in the cartoon "M.A.S.K. Crusaders."]

"Due to my LTR, and me being broke; I go for Instant Messenger-closes now. So I walk up to her, chat. She said she came to the party by herself. We were talking... This girl's attention was hard to hold, there were three guys trying to steal her from me, haha. The only thing I had to do though, was while trying to say something, pull her over to me slightly. She'd throw her arm around me immediately and the AMOG's would take a step back again. I have no clue what we talked about exactly. I remember I steered the conversation towards the 5th of May (Liberation Day) and if there are any cool outdoor events then. I tried to cover a lot of other topics (about 4 or 5 in just a few minutes) so that it would seem like we had a lot to talk about. I then did the classic Double Your Dating-style close... "Hey, I gotta get back to my friends..." turn body language, "I gotta stop talking and get to partying now, but have you got MSN, we can talk another time then.""

[I don't know what Instant Messenger closes are, but anyone who models their speech after line-text computer conversations deserves to suck the shit out of Hitler's balloon knot. In order to let other space intruders know that the female is his property, he puts his arm around her to ward off the AMOGs. WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AMOG? By Allah, can't this motherfucking shithead for once call someone or something by their real name? AMOG sounds like "muggle" to me, which is the Harry Potter term for a human being. Oooooooo, keep the female away from the HUMANSSSSSSS. Dumbfuck.]

"@close. This is a girl who I've fantasized about, this girl is H-O-T. 8.5 or a 9. Doesn't get much better unless you go to Nice, Monaco or Milan... or Hollywood."

[I'm not sure if BG is a celebrity. If so, may Jesucristo bless him and his shitty movie career. If not, anyone who has ever set foot in California knows that Hollywood is one of the shittiest, ugliest places in the state, let alone the country. Most of it is run down, low income, and smells like the inside of an asshole. So I guess he's saying all the girls he fantasizes about work at KFC and look like the back of a schoolbus, but that's cool - looks don't matter, as long as he can defeat her heat bitch fortress shield. Pussy.]

"This girl, she's a 7.5 or so, but shit, she has such a hot sexual vibe.. It ups her value to a 9, man. This girl must be a great fuck. The girls introduced me to their brothers, who they had brought along. The brother of my target immediately compliments my on my t-shirt; really enthusiastically. I introduce myself, and then introduce myself to the other guy; the girl from college's brother. I decide to vibe with the two guys first, see what value they have."

[When I first got into college, we had to watch this video about date rape prevention, and how women should avoid suspiciously older men at parties who followed them home. Unfortunately, the point was completely lost on my friends and me, because when they 'interviewed' a rapist, it was actually a blacked-out actor who talked in a fake gruff voice, and said lines like "y'see, when I was following one 'target' home -that's what we call them, 'targets' - I made sure she wasn't with her friends . . ." It looks like BG watched this same video because he has targets too, targets of his AI laserbeam blasters. He also likes vibing with guys, or what you and I would refer to as 'giving them the clap,' just to, y'know, see what value his targets have. ZZZZZZZZZAP!]

"After closing the other girl, I was walking back to my friends and decided that I would be closing this particular girl when I saw her. I ran into her and had a chat about uhh... primary school. Haha! Age regression ;-)"


"We joked around, we vibed, I told her that I was here to party, but told her that we should talk another time; "Got MSN?" @close."

[What the FUCK is a FUCKING @CLOSE. I guess I shouldn't be angry at someone for using expressions like @close when he talks like an AIM conversation (whoops, MSN) when he isn't protecting his energy particle layers from female vagina heat-rays. Semi-colon dash close parenthesis you little bitch.]

"This was GREAT. These are both girls that I've fantasized about! Haha. And I have the game to close them; I'm quite sure that I could f-close them both too. The game's easy, for real. The biggest problem now is: where does this leave me with my LTR?
I have two important values concerning this:
1) I'm a man of integrity. I don't lie, cheat or deceive.
2) I don't want to hurt people; I really care about my girlfriend.
I'm presented with a tough situation; an inevitable one so, but still.
This is my private business though, so I'll cease to speak about it."

[This to me was the best part of the whole entry. Our hero's moral dilemma. He has a girlfriend, and is desperately trying to decide between staying with her, or trying every juvenile technique to gain the attention of women he is hoping to fuck if he can slip the right roofie in their drink.'Tis quite a cross, BG. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND FUCKFACE? What the fuck kind of dumb shitty girlfriend do you have to inflate that will actually put up with you trying to shoot down the laser shield force-fields of dumb sluts who actually fall for these retarded tactics? Please cease to speak about it, before I rip out your eyeballs and piss on your brain.]

Hehe, actually this one guy approached me and I turned to hear him better and our mouths nearly touched. I told him I was "not that easy!" Get remarks like that into your system; they impress people, they show you're a funny, relaxed guy, secure and confident about his sexuality. You will come across like a guy who gets laid.

[There is something inherently troubling about a man who forces comments suggesting homosexuality to show that he is confident in his sexuality. I believe it's called 'hiding in the closet,' which I hope Wynnie the blow-up doll is cool with. Maybe he should attend his next DYD workshop on "How to Grow Up and Stop Acting Like a 4 Year Old When Approaching Women." It's the workshop right after recess, and right before "Stupid Bitches Fall For Stupid Shit" and "Counterpoint: Maybe Prostitutes ARE Worth It - How the $20 Bill Can Break a Bitch's Magic Force-Field Shield." Go suck a baby bottle you amateur.]


Anonymous Christine said...

This post of yours was too long for me to read. Fool, learn something from this essay. It made me realize how totally cheesy and generic and insincere my own is, with 800 characters to spare:


Having realized that I'm gonna have to rewrite my essay, I'm taking my depressed self to sleep.

12:41 AM  
Anonymous Muhreeyah said...

When I'm shooting AIs I make sure that my shield is properly positioned to deflect any attemtps to breach it by sorry assholes who talk like AIMbots. Of course this guy is a professional, and you can tell because he talks about "closing" a girl as one would "close" a deal. A blonde, slutty deal, with venereal diseases leaking out of its vagina and down its dirty whore leg. Nice going, BG. Your dream of sticking that sorry needle you call a penis into every walking STD on Planet Hollywood is an @close closer to becoming reality.

1:18 PM  

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