Monday, May 22, 2006

Things I hate #835: Ferris Bueller and his Fucking Day Off

I hate Ferris Bueller.

Not the whole movie. Just Ferris Bueller, the character.

And it's not like I don't like Matthew Broderick - Election is a great movie, and I didn't even mind Godzilla as much as some people. I just hate everything about the Ferris Bueller character.

Most people at this point give me the same reaction, as if Ferris was their dad. Actually, bad example. I know some people like Ferris more than they like their own dad, which makes sense.

Before I go on to why I hate this turd, I actually tried a rudimentary test to see if I was the only person who felt this way - I googled "hate" and "ferris bueller" and surely enough, the only conceivable search results I got were descriptions of the Principle Mr. Rooney, who hates Ferris, and pseudo-cool, pseudo party guys who imagine the 80s treated them much better than they actually did, and will spend the rest of their life desperately pointing out that krazy "Ferris" moment of their life when they totally ditched school and it was awesome and totally like Ferris because Ferris missed school, and that was krazy and such a wild time. That's right. The only two people who hate Ferris are me and Mr. Rooney. And while it is a shame that the only person who agrees me turns out to be a sexual molestor in his real-life persona, I understand his hatred for this stupid runny-nosed WASP in training. I might even hate Ferris Fans as much. Here's one fanboy's asinine gushings on the great cinematic achievement that is Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

"I think it is only fitting that I dedicate my first movie review to my favorite movie, Ferris Beuler's Day Off. This movie got me through High School.. and much of my adult life as well. That is, until Office Space came along, but that is another review."
It's great that you have movies to carry your useless ass through life. Good luck finding the movie on being single and unmarried at 50. Head up, buddy, you've got 40-Year Old Virgin to hold you for the next three years or so.

"Matthew Broderick brings such joy to us playing Ferries Bueller, a character no one would hate. Ferris NEVER gets caught, is an expert at fooling his parents, everybody likes him, and nobody can avoid his favor and all. I want to be just like him!
This brilliant piece of reasoning was presented by an imdb intellectual known as, so his or her credibility is untouchable.

"Ferris Bueller was an interesting young lad who wanted to enjoy his life as a youth whilst living in suburbia. I must say, it is typical behaviour in places where there is no activity. Suburbia is a 'manufactured' lifestyle where there is no hype of any sort. Children often feel bored and as a result, they misbehave more often."
This commentor hails from 'Ol Blighty itself, England, a place that never sacrifices a chance to take cheap-shots at America. Sigmund Freud here breaks down the psychological reasons for Ferris Bueller doing what he does. WHILST I read this selection, my BEHAVIOUR became more and more angry - English take pot-shots at great American movies simply because they are American, and take exception when it comes to a movie as dumb as this. Keep up the inbreeding in your royal families, your excessive drinking and deep-frying and shitty dental work, you fucking tard. Your opinion is useless because you're English.

There are plenty of reasons to hate Ferris. I'll list 'em.

1. He is not funny: Everyone seems to find some comedic gold in the lines that John Hughes has written for Matthew Broderick. I don't. None of his lines are witty. Many people counter my belief with the argument that this movie was written in the 80s, so I need to allow some slack for dated commentary or humor. Really. Because no funny movies have been written before 1986, right? For anyone who thinks 80s comedies can't be as sharp today as they were when they came out, I have two words for you: Breakfast Club. Written in 1985 by John Hughes. Directed in 1985 by John Hughes. I defy anyone to point out one line in that movie that has become dated in the 21 years of its existence. Meanwhile, Ferris and his friends put on sunglasses and snap their fingers, because making fun of beatniks really will never get old. Neither will Ferris's imitation of James Bond when he first dresses up in a suit. That was CLASSIC, bro, totally classic man. See, what he does is, he fixes his cuffs, JUST like 007 does, but instead of saying "Bond, James Bond" he SWITCHES it with his OWN name. Dude, I wish I could get away with such hilarity.

2. He is not deep: Two lines he utters in this film which are meant to be given a second-over are the "ism" line about his life philosophy and how it mirrors John Lennon, and the other is when he says that life might pass you by if you don't stop. Wow. So deep. You may think that I am being overly-critical on this aspect, since it is, after all, a comedy. To this, I direct you to the senior quote section of any predominantly white high school yearbook, where you can count on thousands of hands the times you will read "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it," under a semi-playful, semi-serious senior photo, and right above all his requisite shout-outs to his "best buds for life" (or before college begins, whatever comes first). See, when a guy puts this in his senior profile he's saying that he can have fun, and take life in stride, but also has a deep side, and by deep I mean, he gets his life philosphies from movies.

3. He's a scumbag: He's a senior going out with a junior in high school. Now, as you get older, even in college, it's not really a big deal anymore, to have one year difference in age. But in high school, it is a big deal. The message is clear when someone dates out of their grade: THEY CAN'T BOINK SOMEONE IN THEIR OWN GRADE. Of course, this poses a great moral dilemma for Ferris. And by moral dillemma, I mean that he is worried he won't be with her when he goes to college - until he gets a girlfriend there. So for now, he's keeping her as an insurance plan. I WISH I WAS INSECURE LIKE FERRIS!

4. His name is Ferris.

5. He shits on his best friend: Even though this movie is only a day in this freeloader's life, it looks like its pretty representative of his life. He shits on Cameron all day, probably every day. Now, granted, Cameron needs to grow a fucking spine and kick Ferris in his prostate, but Ferris is still hateful for the way he takes advantage of whoever he can just so he can have a thrill. It's obvious they don't really enjoy each other's company - Ferris uses Cameron to feel better about himself, and Cameron is jealous of Ferris. I'd write off this as being unrealistic, except this is probably the basis for the majority of "friendships" that exist nowadays. To the fat chick who feels happy that she can look down on others because she is "chillin'" with three popular, good-looking girls: wise up you dumb shit. You're there to make them feel better about themselves. You're Cameron, they're Ferris.

6. The "Ferris Ferrari": Now any of you who know me know that I hate Ferrari. But when one of the rarest and best-looking Ferraris becomes known as the "Ferris Bueller Ferrari" simply because some shithead kid forces his friend to steal it from his dad, give it to a valet to run up the miles, and then makes his friend take the fall when the car is destroyed, even a casual car fan should be pissed. The whole reason Ferris steals his friend's dad's car is because he apparently can't afford one. Funny, he does have enough money to own a synthesizer which cost $8,000 in 1984 ( kitcar, idiot. I can imagine how he retells the story to his college friends: "So then, since the odometer was so high, this kid I once knew tried to reverse the miles off, but ended up destroying the car, and since he took the heat for me, his dad beat him senseless and his mom left and he slit his wrists with his shaving razor!" Then Ferris would get raped by the college football team for his incessant dialogue with an imaginary camera.

7. He is not smart: Many call lying to their parents "pulling a Ferris," especially in light of his krazy prank where he plays a recording while a mannequin replaces a sleeping, sick Ferris. But to me, "pulling a Ferris" means "having parents more mentally retarded than Stacey Sublett (CHEAP SHOT!)." What kind of diabolical genius does it actually take to outwit his parents, really? The dad just plain doesn't recognize his own son as he jogs beside him or sings in a parade, and his you could fuck his mother in the ear and she'd thank you for the q-tip. Actually, you need one more ingredient to "pull a Ferris": a sister who the parents blame everything on. As you can see, Ferris deserves a lot of credit for all the incredible skill involved in skipping school.

8. He wears a leopard skinned vest.

9. He is a loser: Imagine, right now, that you are a professional, living on your own, and working (which many of you are). Now imagine you have a friend who spends all his time trying to get out of work, or still trying to fool his parents in order to get out of work. Imagine this same guy continually pretends to be sick so that he can borrow your expensive car to "live life," and helps run up the miles on a car that probably cost you more money than he will ever try to make in his life. Imagine he goes out with high school girls and talks to his mother like a baby and spends all day reminiscing about that time in high school when he skipped school and has no money and pretends to be someone else to eat in expensive restaurants. See, there's a name for people like Ferris once you become an adult, and it's called a malingerer. Also, he is called a fucking LOSER. Keep auditioning for the role of "Apple" on those shitty "Apple vs. PC commercials," I'm sure you'll never get the part.

10. And finally, and probably most importantly - CAMERON IS FUNNIER THAN FERRIS. Think about the funniest parts of the movie. When Cameron (the actual reason Ferris is able to skip school at all) pretends to be Ferris's father on the phone, it is probably funnier than anything Ferris has ever thought of in his smug, shitty little brain. Or when Cameron owns Ferris with the line "Ferris Bueller, you're my hero," he not only makes Ferris look as dumb as he actually is, but gets a chance to watch his underage girlfriend change out of her clothes! YAY! The only other funny part I can think of in this self-satisfied-as-Kevin-Smith movie is the hilarious cameo by Charlie Sheen. The main character of this movie should have been Cameron, and Ferris should have been the stupid asshole freeloader accomplice sidekick.

Fuck Ferris.


Blogger Amanda said...

you know i never really got the ferris thing either...

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Muhreeyah said...

You seem to be very angry at Ferris. Are you sure you're not just insanely jealous? Because, I mean, come on.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No. You're not the only one.

8:40 PM  
Blogger yash vardhan said...

I agree with you. Ferris is not cool at all. He is a cocky guy who bores with his narration by telling us how smart he is and how much loser his friend Cameron. And he has no reason to skip school. No one bullies him. Since he is a popilar guy there will be lot of friends for him to hang around with. He is a dick who bullies Cameron to do things which can get Cameron in trouble with his strict parents . No real friend would do this.

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are a dick

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Britain and Germany best teeth, USA way down the list! So what! You try and perpetuate judgmental stereotypes,based on nothing more than watching Austin Powers, Family Guy and the Simpsons! I bet you have never even met a Brit or any one else different to you. It is so easy for you to barf out a lazy judgemental brain fart, based nothing more than what u have seen on TV. Do yourself a favour and go traveling outside of America, in 10 years you will realise what a cynical dickhead you have been. BTW there are McDonalds all over the world so you'll be OK

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Lys said...

Thank you for understanding! I can't stand to watch this movie because all I can think about is what a terrible person Ferris is and how much I want to punch him for it. Everyone I've talked to about it seems to think I'm crazy for feeling this way. Fuck Ferris Bueller.

9:13 PM  

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