Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Things I hate #27: The Litmus Test

My brother Raymond and I were talking about one of the most hateful moves in existence. We both decided to call it the litmus test, because litmus is scientific, and everyone hates science.

Basically, it's when a guy (it's always and ONLY a guy) is too spineless to ask a girl out. Now, don't get me wrong, asking out someone can be and is a very scary experience. But these timorous whelps decide that they don't want to put their neck out, and decide to suggest the possibility of liking a girl without EVER ACTUALLY SAYING IT. This way, when the girl almost invariably rejects the guy, he can save his cowardly face and continue to go about his daily coward activities like not speaking up against bullies while they lift him upside down to empty the change out of his coward pockets.

I'll give a real life example of this happening to someone. For the sake of anonymity, I'll just call the girl "my girlfriend" and the guy "yellow." I'll actually have to commend Yellow, because his maneuver was technically a combination of the litmus test and the self-explanatory "friend maneuver" (where a guy tries to pretend to be a friend with a girl and becomes a real confidant, hoping/praying/sacrificing a goat so that some incredible set of circumstances will allow her to fall for him, or at least for her to get drunk enough to sleep with him - in case you're wondering why I explained a concept that was supposed to be self-explanatory, I stick by the rule that you should never expect too much of your audience, you idiot). So after a few months of "listening" and "friending" my girlfriend, he decided to gather up all the kool-aid in his pebbles and "make his move." Now, as if this move weren't shamefully mousy enough, bear in mind he was trying to do it with a girl who was already in a long-distance relationship (known in other circles as a "girl with a target on her back"). So one day, Yellow reveals that he "can't hang out" with my girlfriend.

My Girlfriend: Why not??
Yellow: W-w-w-w-well, i-i-i-t's because, I th-th-think I-i-i-i-m enjoying our t-t-t-t-time together M-M-MORE than y-y-y-you are.

(In the dramatic reconstruction above I've emphasized actual speech patterns exhibited by many cowards). Here's the genius of this heinous move. He never has to ask her out. He just needs to suggest that he likes her, but he is "mature" enough to stop this "thing" before it goes any further. Obviously the real purpose of this move is to get the girl thinking about it, and hopefully, allow her to express the same interest. If the girl doesn't show the same interest, at least he never did anything as TERRIFYING as ACTUALLY ask her out. Whew, that would have been SCAWY.

This ridiculously diffident maneuver can take so many forms it's ridiculous. And for some reason, the coward in question does NOT have the juice to ask a girl out, but has NO problems scheming on a girl who already has a boyfriend. Probably because he technically never asked the girl out, in the same way that his testicles never "technically dropped."

What's even more faint-hearted than the spoken litmus test? The written email litmus test! Take a very similar situation with my brother, his girlfriend, and another cutie-pie I'll call Terry-eek. Aaaaaand I quote:

"i dunno if u really understand this, but i really appreciate u, i cant
remmeber having a friend that i could tell n e thing 2 and not b
afraid...i cant remember having this kind of support from n e one, i
think u r the best, u got it all, ur pretty , ur funny, ur smart, u know
everything, and ur friends with me ( a major plus)...i pretty much jus
wanna say thank u and i hope i can b 4 u wat u hav been 2 me.....hey
here's there hyujest hyujest secret ever: i wanted 2 hook up with u
first semester freshman year (didnt think i was ever gonna tell u that)
ok there now im embarassed...."

Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick. I don't even know where to start with this indecipherable mess. Let's try and be reasonable and avoid the obvious spelling and abbreviation issues. No, wait, let's dwell on them a second. I'll allow the "u" to substitute for "you" because Terry-eek obviously has otheryellow-bellied activities and can't be bothered to actually spell the whole word. But come on, at some points he has to know that he is testing the limits of human patience with gems like "i pretty much jus wanna say thank u and i hope i can b 4 u wat u hav been 2 me" and "hyujest hyujest" (not just one "hyuj"). I can comprehend flat Braille more easily than this bullshit. Notice the format of this email, which is a written litmus test. First, the confiding introduction, beginning with the classic "you don't realize how wonderful you are" before progressing into a dickless diatribe about how no one understands his inner being the way my brother's girlfriend does. Then come the string of beautifully crafted compliments only punctuated by the personal "u" - the repetition is kind of beautiful in a "Jennifer Garner looks like a man" sort of way. Then comes the forging of an unbreakable pact - Terry Tutu hopes he can be 4 her wat she has been 2 Tutu. Then . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . here it comes . . . the litmus test! Okay, since he's already confiding in her, why not just "let it out" that he wanted to have sex with her? Because that is absolutely necessary to tell her for the friendship to survive. And what really seals the deal is the last line - NOW I'M EMBAWASSED. Here's an idea fuckface, if you're so embarassed, before you send the email, DELETE the last part. Unless you want her to see it, of course. Wow, Terry-eek, I didn't think I'd ever call you out like that . . . I hope ur still frenz with me (a major plus).

What is arguably more amazing than this cowardly move is how often women actually fall for it. They honestly, for the life of them, can't see what is happening. It's amazing. It's almost (ALMOST) hard to get mad at the Yellows and Terry-eeks because their spineless moves end up fooling the majority of the lactating population, and if it doesn't work, they try and wait it out indefinitely while setting up another camp simultaneously (multi-tasking cowards). Now, the coolguy ethic dictates that the boyfriend just laughs it off, because it doesn't mean anything. I agree with that. But I don't like the idea that the coward gets away with it. So I'm going to take this opportunity to completely call out any guy who does this.

Now, pretty much the only people who will ever read this stupid blog are my friends, and I am not friends with cowards, but in the unlikely event that another coward stumbles upon this post, and recognizes his tactics being spotlighted, this is for you. You're a weakling, a milksop, a namby-pamby, a mouse, a scaredy-cat, a yellow-belly, a sissy, a baby, a candy-ass, a milquetoast, you're timorous, you're pusillanimous, you're spineless, you're wimpish, you're chicken, you're gutless, you're lily-livered, you're weak-kneed, you're a charlatan, a fake, a phony, a pussy, a Stan.

Hey pussy, here's the hyujest hyujest secret ever: I think I'm enjoying putting you on full blast more than you are . . . OK THERE NOW I'M EMBAWASSED.


Blogger Raymond said...

ryan, great analysis, tho one slight oversight.

i think i can help explain the necessity for the usage of "u", "b", "2", "4" etc. versus using normal comprehendable grammar.

this shorthand version of english is NOT used because he was in a rush when he was typing the email. it is used to give the impression that the email is very casual, and his tone is nonchalant. he wanted to make it look like he did NOT spend 3 hours sitting in front of his computer, retyping the email 157 different ways.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Touche, mi hermano, tou-fucking-che.

9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So wait you didnt get to the part on how "your girlfriend" (Maria) and "Yellow" (14 yr old boy she rooms with in Scotland) talked some more and only AFTER a bottle of merlot did she call you and tell you that you were right all along about "Yellow".

Honestly, I think Maria is a dirty slut.

C u both 2morrow.

12:01 AM  

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